never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
