Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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