when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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