dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
