morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
