You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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