How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
