jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
