Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
