You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
