dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
