I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Enjoy the penises
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
