$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
