just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
