I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
