Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
