well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
