If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
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