last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
