Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
