oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
