What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
