Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I touched a dick in church today
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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