Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
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Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
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Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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