2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
