So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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