I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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