just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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