We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
