So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize