upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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