i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
