I skipped work to stalk him.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
