I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
