I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
