You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
