my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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