the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
