Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize