can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
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Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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