I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
