you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
