if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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