god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Non-Jews are for practice
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
i think i just naturally attract stoners
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
