Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
