so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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