did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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