I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
