he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
