the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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