you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
