Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
