All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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