Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Randomize
