My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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