I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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