I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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