i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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