Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
