I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
