Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
