that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Sorry about my life...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
