I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
as a side note pls kill me
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
